You own a vehicle that was meant to drive over small villages without spilling your latte from Starcrooks, sucking up gas like a Hertz rental fleet. The tires on it are bigger than most compact cars, the shocks more costly than the national debt of Argentina. Yet you need to go 2 miles an hour over these little railroad tracks and hills, holding up traffic for miles. Really. I am not judging. Miss Lexie would never judge. Perhaps you are carrying a dozen sleeping infants and two dozen sleeping puppies. Or maybe organs on the way to be transplanted in those sleeping babies and puppies. I am sure it's not that you are afraid of hitting a bump with your tank and breaking something. That would just be silly.
Dear Sir or Madame in the Hummer in front of me every morning this week,
You own a vehicle that was meant to drive over small villages without spilling your latte from Starcrooks, sucking up gas like a Hertz rental fleet. The tires on it are bigger than most compact cars, the shocks more costly than the national debt of Argentina. Yet you need to go 2 miles an hour over these little railroad tracks and hills, holding up traffic for miles. Really. I am not judging. Miss Lexie would never judge. Perhaps you are carrying a dozen sleeping infants and two dozen sleeping puppies. Or maybe organs on the way to be transplanted in those sleeping babies and puppies. I am sure it's not that you are afraid of hitting a bump with your tank and breaking something. That would just be silly.
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Since the purchase of the new sofa, I have been struggling to redecorate the living room. Short on funds, and not as creative as I would like to be, I took to the internet for inspiration. Better Homes and Gardens has been a wealth of knowledge about all things pretty and frugal. I found plans to build a coffee table from pallets (saving good ones at work, plus extra for a couple of additional projects like the vertical garden I saw), no sew pillows, painting suggestions, decorating for almost free, and lots of other great articles. So armed with this knowledge, I set forth into The Land of The Thrift Store. I have done Goodwill for clothes but never really looked for stuff, so these are pretty uncharted waters for me. Found an incredible little shop about 20 minutes from home and began the search. Long story short, I scored eight pillows for an average of 50¢ each, plus the fabric to recover them for the same. All together, about $9 for eight new pillows! Not having a sewing machine, I covered them with a wrap and knot technique, and I think they look fab! Then it was off to Hobby Lobby. Glass hurricane, $4. Pillar candle, $1. Verdigris pot, $2. Craft paper letters, $2 each. Next stop Home Depot. Spent $6 on plants. Added this all to what I already had, moved some stuff from other rooms, and made some progress. All this in one day. Boy was The Man surprised!
Still reeling from the absolute decadence of last evening, I was perfectly happy with a cup of coffee. The Man was hungry. Not surprising. He can always eat. God I miss my metabolism. Anywhoooo. .... I took some of the gruyere potatoes and browned them up. Thinly sliced ribeye was gently warmed in a little butter, and placed on a split biscuit. I fried an egg, and topped that with some aged cheddar. The finished product made him a very happy man.
Oh, on a side note, I am seriously considering writing an ebook. Recipes, tips, nutrition info, peppered with Miss Lexie anecdotes. What would you like to see in it? Also, are pictures essential? Any and all feedback is welcome. (if you are reading about this post on Facebook, please don't post ideas there as I am still on hiatus and won't see them.) Anyone who makes suggestions will be thanked in the introduction of the book :-) I love cooking for The Man on Saturday nights. After a fun day together doing whatever it is we do, I get to really pamper him and make something yummy. This week it was ribeyes the size of a baby. Yes, that is a regular sized dinner plate. With the bone, that puppy weighs 1.7 pounds. Grilled to perfection over hardwood, with grilled asparagus, a yukon gold potato and Gruyere gratin and pretty darn good GF biscuits (Bob's Red Mill mix), we are both in serious food comas, but fat and happy. He only ate about half of the steak, and I ate maybe a third, so tomorrow morning will be steak, egg and cheese biscuit sandwiches with fried cheesy potatoes and really amazing coffee from Cameroon. My god, I love good food.
I have been following [email protected] for a while, and have even used some of her recipes in my classes, as well as my life. She is offering seven days of instructional emails for free to introduce you to her blog. I thought I would share it with those I love so you can see how great she is as well.
http://freerawfoodclass.com/ Redbox is a great way to see movies on the cheap, especially when you get their email and text coupons for BOGOs and half off. However, the two movies I grabbed last night to surprise The Man were not worth the $2 I paid. First fail was Looper. Sigh, I know I was tired but I could barely follow it enough to tell you what it's about. A mobster in the future uses time travel to get rid of the people he wants to get rid of, using loopers in the past to kill and dispose of the body. When this mobster decides to get rid of the looper, he sends that looper, who is now 30 years older, back 30 years to be killed by himself. Um, yeah, that's the best I can do, and I sat through almost the whole thing. Not sure when I fell asleep but I'm sure that whatever I missed wouldn't have helped much to make it less convoluted. It was just.... weird. (For the record, this was a specific request by The Man; I hadn't even heard about it before he asked, but he really asks for so little that when he does I try to fulfill it if possible.) Sigh, this is the one that makes me sad. Oz The Great and Powerful should have been great. The cast is good, the story wonderful, and with all of today's technology the special effects could be amazing. I wanted it to be great, I really did. I was looking forward to it since I picked it up. It was awful. Two stars at most. A really long black and white sequence at the beginning, boxed in to a very small screen, annoyed the crap out of me. Once he gets to Oz, the screen spreads and it becomes color, but the acting is lame, the CGI over the top (and not in a good way), and they butchered the story. Sad, sad, sad.
So if you are looking for a movie to watch tonight, please don't waste your time on either of these. Watch Weekend at Bernie's or Mallrats and laugh your butt off at the bad acting and silly premise. At least it was supposed to be bad. Before Miss Lexie moved to Tennessee, Pennsylvania drivers were the bane of her existence. Unskilled and horribly ill mannered, they would dominate the road in such an offensive way it made her quite frustrated. However there was no way to avoid them, so she dealt with them as politely as she could. The drivers here are a different sort - most of them are very polite, allowing other motorists to merge without the honks and obscene gestures found on most Northern highways. They don't seem to be filled with road rage and, for the most part, don't seem to be obsessed with speed. What they lack is the ability to use turn signals. Having directionals must be a very expensive option on vehicles down here, one most are not able to afford. On her 35 minute commute to and from work on a couple of major roads, Miss Lexie is constantly amazed that anyone gets anywhere without causing multiple car pile ups with all of the unannounced changing of lanes. So, as a public service announcement, I state simply - Please use your turn signals, not telepathy. I don't want to have to read your mind to get where I need to get to safely.
Last night's dinner was a good one, and pretty cheap too. Earth Fare has had some great deals on meat lately, and the 1/2 off salmon was no exception. Wild caught sockeye salmon is one of my favorites, so I had to get the max, 2 pounds. A nice herb marinade, seared on the bottom then finished in the oven, it was moist and perfectly seasoned. These are the steps, and the accompaniments. First, I started with the herb marinade. Lemon balm, lavender and rosemary, fresh from the garden, are soaked in lots of water to get the dirt and critters off. These went in the Ninja with some honey, salt, pepper and a little Italian grapefruit soda. (We were out of white wine, which in retrospect was a good thing, it could have made the salmon tough.) I have been getting the San Pelligrino sodas for a few months, they are such a lovely treat since I can't drink. Grapefruit, blood orange, seville orange and lemon, every flavor is just so fresh and crisp. Isn't it gorgeous? I can't understand how anyone could eat Scottish salmon when this is available. Fatty, rich, great skin, firm flesh... it's just amazing. The marinade gets poured over the salmon, saving about 2 tablespoons for the pilaf. This sits for a couple of hours. Now for the pilaf. I'm getting tired of rice and quinoa to be honest, and I felt the need to branch out. Millet is a high protein GF grain that I am somewhat familiar with, but really haven't cooked with much. I do add it raw to my granola, raw brownies and truffles, and my Power Bites, but cooking it hasn't come up. I bought a cup of it from our bulk department (super cheap, too. I love bulk!) and brought it home. After a few minutes of research, I discovered that it can be cooked just like quinoa and rice, 1 part grain to 2 parts liquid, but like rice it is better if it is toasted before cooking. A little olive oil went into a heavy bottomed saucepan, with some finely minced mire poix (carrot, celery and onion). This got stirred around until I could smell a nuttiness from the millet. Salt and pepper added, I mixed two cups of good chicken stock with the reserved marinade and poured that in. I brought it to a boil, turned it down to a simmer and covered it. I think it took about 40 minutes to cook, but I really didn't time it. I waited until the grains were fluffy and al dente, then took it off the heat, still covered, so it could finish cooking. Time to cook the salmon - I removed most of the herbs with my hands as I placed the salmon fillets into a pan that was heated over medium heat with a little olive oil. I let these go until the skin was nicely browned, then put in a 400* oven to finish. The whole thing took about 15 minutes. I really don't know why people are so afraid of cooking fish; it is so much easier than meat! Anywhoo.... the edges caramelized because of the honey, the flesh is brown and moist, and it smells so good it should be illegal. Damn, I'm good. Swiss chard of all kinds is one of my favorite greens, and a super fave of The Man. How could anything this pretty not be yummy! Rough chop, stems too, soaked in water to remove all the sand, and then very quickly wilted in a super hot pan with a touch of oil, salt and pepper. That's all it takes. Cook some tonight, would ya? The beauty of chard is that it has the nutrition of greens like kale, collards and mustard, but it doesn't have as much of a bitter edge, so no acid is needed. I don't even use garlic, I don't think it needs it at all. I finished the pilaf with a lump of butter, and made a quick beurre blanc with some shallots, a bit of the strained marinade, some additional grapefruit soda, a little white wine vinegar and lots of butter. A complete success if you ask me. The Man thoroughly enjoyed the salmon and chard, but was meh about the pilaf. He did agree that I should keep playing with it, though he does enjoy quinoa more. Maybe I could mix quinoa and millet together and make it even better. I do love experimenting! I luckily scored a huge bag of brown rice cereal for a really great price last week, so I instantly decided that I needed rice krispy treats. My little brother Timothy makes the best I've ever tasted, but mine will do the trick nicely until I can get out to visit the family. I like to share treats with my GF peeps at work, so I needed to look at the recipe. Two issue presented themselves - the marshmallows need to me kosher, and I wanted to make them dairy free. The first was easy. Elyon Marshmallows are both GF and kosher, being made with kosher fish gelatin instead of regular gelatin which can be made from pork hooves. (Uh, yeah, I know, just don't think about it while you're eating that bowl of lime Jell-o, David.) They have a really nice vanilla flavor and melt well. That brings me to the second problem, no butter. I thought about it for a bit, and thought I might try coconut oil. Solid at room temperature, melting perfect at a low temp, it has a lot of the same properties as butter. The coconut oil that I have is rather coconut-y, so I thought I would up the ante and add some toasted coconut to the mix to enhance it instead of trying to hide it. Barbara's Brown Rice Crisps are so yummy, I find myself munching while I wait for the marshmallows to melt. They taste a little malty, but are lightly sweetened with fruit juice. A very tasty cereal. To make these delectable treats takes ten hands on minutes and four ingredients: 6 c. brown rice cereal 1 c. toasted unsweetened coconut 2 TB coconut oil about 1 2/3 bags of marshmallows Measure the cereal into a huge bowl. Add the toasted coconut and toss well together. Melt the coconut oil in a deep sauce pan over medium low, then add the marshmallows. Turn the heat down to low and stir. And stir. And stir. At first it seems like nothing's happening, that the marshmallows are just sliding around on the melted coconut oil. Then it begins to loosen up and they start to melt, turning gooey and lovely. Don't let them get too hot, you just want them evenly melty. It probably took about ten minutes until they were ready for the next step. Pour the melty loveliness over the rice cereal and coconut, give your hands a quick schmere with some coconut oil, and dig in. Get it all mixed together as quick and as gently as you can, before it cools too much and seizes up. Pour this mess into a well greased serving pan and press it in, pulling anything that sticks to your hands off and adding them to the pan. (I hate waste.) If you have any self control at all, let these set a couple of hours in a cool place until firm. If you're like me, let it set a few minutes so you don't burn your tongue, and dig in. I bet this will work really well with popcorn too, so I will be trying out different variations. I wonder if it will work with Chex cereal.... ?
I went through my old Facebook feed and copied all of the Miss Lexie posts I could find. I swear there are more, but this is a good start.
I hope you enjoy them as much as I did. July 23rd, 2011 (I believe this is my very first post) - I am wearing gloves and using tongs. I assume you have some intelligence because you are dressed and somehow made it here, lucky me. If you try to grab one more handful with those filthy paws i will slap you. that is a promise. August 14th, 2011 - Hip checking your wife out of the way to get to the last piece of salmon is almost a guarantee that you won't be seeing any sweet lovin' for a while... so enjoy your nibble, dummy. August 27, 2011 - Please don't try to convince me that the amazing grass fed beef that I am sampling is bad for you when you are slurping off of a gallon sized bucket of sweet tea and your kid has a ring pop shoved in their mouth. And, no, I will not debate you on this subject. Just walk away. Now. December 12, 2012 - This was the exchange between me and a customer tonight - I see this woman walking around the store in an obvious daze, so I ask if I can help her find something. She asks where the bread is. Now, in my head I'm saying, "You mean that huge wall, easily 15 feet long by six feet high, right behind you?". Instead I smile and ask which bread she is looking for. She immediately gets snarky. "Bread.. you know the stuff that normal people make sandwiches out of? You work here, you're probably one of those vegan weirdos.." (oh, and she pronounced it VAY-gn) Always with a smile (Miss Lexie paints hers on in the morning), I sweetly retort "Yes, ma'am. I work here. I am not a vegan nor a weirdo, and I know where the bread is." I then walked away, leaving her completely befuddled. Score. Can't make this stuff up, folks. January 2nd, 2013 - It was tough picking just one, the holidays were filled with an outpouring of stupidity. However, it's sometimes the small moments that stick in your head more. I was working on the HUGE chalkboard calendar in the store lobby yesterday, up on a step ladder for a couple of hours. I felt a poke on my butt, and thinking it was Keith, I turned around with a smile to see a little boy of about 6 standing there. He croaks "where are the little carts?" in a pretty rude manner. I looked up to the woman standing behind him, and she angrily responds "Well?" I smile, shrug and say pleasantly "I guess they're all being used." The little darling pokes me in the leg again and yells "Find one!" I laughed and turned my back on them, nearly biting a hole in my lip in the process. This demon spawn will probably end up in Club Fed in twenty years for embezzlement, since he's so entitled to whatever his black heart desires... January 4th, 2013 - To the mother of the little boy, about four years old, who had his hands down the front of his sweatpants for quite a few moments, NO he many not reach in to the basket for a cracker. January 16th, 2013 - Miss Lexie's Sample Etiquette: Fashion Edition I get to see a whole lot of people doing what I do, and I've made some observations that I would like to share 1. Jeggings are stupid on just about everyone - especially the 30 something man I witnessed last night. Not an emo boy wearing his girlfriend's clothes, a grown man. shudder. 2. Super high heels are cute, unless you can't walk in them on a polished cement floor. Face planting is not cute in case you were wondering. 3. Honey, your lip liner should be the same color as your lipstick, or didn't you get the memo twenty years ago? Probably not from the look of that hair.... 4. For the love of god, dress your age. Or at least your size. Just because Walmart makes it in your size doesn't mean the rest of us want to see you in it (or falling out of it.) 5. If you're going to go through the pain and expense of all that facial plastic surgery, shouldn't you do something original? There are at least a dozen women walking around with the same damned duck lips! 6. If you are going to go through that pain and expense to recapture your youth, do something about your hands too. A 40 something face is pretty useless with the Crypt Keeper's hands. 7. One final thought - UNDERGARMENTS. Know how to use them, and find someone to help you purchase the correct size. Please. Think of the children. That is all. February 4th, 2013 - It amazes me how many people wander into the store with recipes in hand, full of ingredients they are clueless about. I'm not talking about "how do I cook quinoa?" clueless, more like "what is quinoa?" clueless. They don't even know what category an ingredient falls under. Is it an herb? A bean? I even had one customer ask me if it was a kind of exotic meat. Sigh. Google, people. Learn to use it. Embrace it. It is your friend. February 8th, 2013 - Miss Lexie's Sample Etiquette: Update to the Fashion Edition Two things I have noticed in the last week that made me shake my head. First, snow boots with four inch high heels are just dumb. Period. The only purpose they serve is to make you look like a moron. Second, the colder it gets the more fragrance people wear. I swear I've been working in a funky cloud the last week. If you're wearing enough that the people around you can taste it long after you've left the area, you need to rethink your dosage. February 16th, 2013 - It was a tough day, dear readers. So many faux pas that it might take an hour to list them all. Here are the highlights: * Letting your little ones be self sufficient is a part of growing up. Letting them select their own sample from my demo table is fine, as long as they don't put their boogie covered fingers in all of the cups, and as long as you don't get pissed when I ask you to please select for them so I don't have to waste an entire tray because they have now sneezed all over everything. * I think all humans are beautiful, no matter what size; I'm no Tiny Tina and never will be. However, if you are the size of a Volkswagen, please don't ask me what dessert in the case has the least amount of calories. (She was offended when I suggested she visit the produce department instead.) This has happened twice in the last year. * It bears repeating - this is NOT A BUFFET! It is NOT my job to feed you lunch or dinner, it is a single bite. * Do not reprimand your little brats by telling them that "this lady is going to call the police on you if you don't behave". I didn't make them this way, you did. Maybe I should call the cops on you for child neglect. * Hovering over the pan does not make things cook faster. Trust me. In fact, it may make them cook slower. Perhaps there will be more later, my dears. Miss Lexie needs a bourbon. February 24th, 2013 - Please, for the love of all that is good in the world, if you have a specific issue regarding food, come right out with it. Don't ask "What is in this?" if all you need to know is if it has gluten or corn or nuclear waste. Cut to the chase, as Miss Lexie is getting old and doesn't want to spend her remaining years trying to drag information out of dim witted sample whores. (thanks to my dear friend Noah for the inspiration, and the lovely customers at Earth Fare for the material. It never ceases to amaze Miss Lexie how dumb people can be.) March 7th, 2013 - (right after my promotion. New store, new customers, new stories!) When I am in my new little corner of the world, surrounded by hundreds of the world's finest cheeses and dry cured salame, please do not ask if I have a vegan cheese that tastes like gorgonzola dolce. When soy beans grow teeny little udders, maybe. But for now, you don't eat dairy because of a personal choice (I asked, it wasn't a lactose issue, it is a moral issue), so embrace that and adapt. Miss Lexie, on the other hand, will be eating the gorgonzola dolce this weekend on a bone in rib eye. I must not have any morals. I am completely okay with that. March 7th, 2013 (later in the day, Miss Lexie was a bit tired and maybe a tad ornery) Children are like pets. If you can't handle them, please don't have them. If you can't handle one, don't have a dozen. As a special note to the family sitting behind me, with the little darling that won't stop trying to climb over the back of the booth and kicking it right where my back is, it is readily apparent to me why some species eat their young. How sad we are not one of them. March 8th, 2013 - If you're going to drive your SUV 45 miles to save $1 on fresh mozzarella, perhaps you need to rethink your priorities. Especially if that's the only reason you drove 45 miles. March 15th, 2013 - A coupon for a free 7 oz. lump of cheddar with a $5 purchase should not require samples. It is barely enough for a sandwich, maybe two if there is meat involved. If you don't know what cheddar tastes like, perhaps you should be in Walmart looking at American cheese? Miss Lexie's Sample Etiquette, Part Deux: There is a table piled with pieces of cheddar, and a big neon green sign that states quite simply "COUPON ITEM". If one more person walks over, picks up a piece of the cheese, looks at the sign and then yells across my department "Hey, is this the cheese with the coupon?", I may be calling y'all for bail money. An update from Miss Lexie: someone tried to return the free cheese. I repeat, someone tried to return the free cheese because they didn't like it. I have no words.... March 25th, 2013 - A couple came in to my department this morning. I asked if they were looking for anything in particular. He just grunts "samples". I smiled and replied, "I'm sorry, but with the snow this morning I'm a little behind. Is there something you would like to try?" (To be honest, I wasn't going to waste product on an empty store, so I didn't put anything out.) He grunts again, "Cheese, obviously. Duh." Not a peep from the lady until now. She walks over to him, cracks him in the back of the head with her hand and says "This is why I leave you home." She apologizes to me, snatches him by the arm and drags him out of the store. I'm still giggling. April 11th, 2013 - I understand the necessity to sometimes feed young children while grocery shopping, especially at a later time in the day. What I don't understand is a grown ass man having to walk around eating a bag of chips and getting his greasy, salty, icky fingers all over my beer bottles, cheese case and goddess only knows what else. Oh, and I reiterate a complaint of last summer - even if you're male, PLEASE for the love of all that is right with the world, get a pedicure before you start wearing flip flops. Please. I threw up a little in my mouth at the sight of you waddling around with your snackies and ugly bare feet. You almost caused Miss Lexie to forget herself and utter a profanity. Shame on you. April 15th, 2013 - A man wanders around my department, then settles in beside the olive bar. He doesn't just sample, he easily eats a half pound, throwing the pits in a basket of cracker boxes when he thought no one was looking. He then approaches me and asks where the cheese samples are. I looked him in the eye and sweetly replied, "Bless your heart, you're not full yet?" He wasn't amused. I can't stop giggling. April 25th, 2013 - Please, oh please, allow your children to run through my department unfettered with the confines of respect or self control. Let them pick up the carefully stacked cheese and press it to their booger cake faces. Encourage them to move all of the signs in my cheese case to express their creativity. And, please, don't forget to give me the death stare as I follow them around putting everything right. Without that icy look, my day can never be complete. May 2nd, 2013 - Miss Lexie here, with a little advice for the buying public - if you are going to swear at me in a language other than English, don't look surprised when I respond in kind. I may wear a name tag for a living, but I am not uneducated. Plus, after working in kitchens for decades, I can cuss in quite a few languages. (I am really fortunate that the manager on duty doesn't speak Italian, though. I would have been soooooooo fired for what I called this guy to his face. hehehe) May 11th, 2013 - A woman with seven children comes in to the department yesterday evening. She's got three in the shopping cart that must be under 4 years old, and four running around rampant that are under 10. The littlest one has a toy gun which he/she is chewing on. These little darlings are climbing on everything they can reach, including stacks of beer and cheese. One tries to get into my cheese case. Another is deftly rearranging all of my displays, putting stuff where ever she feels it should be. The mother, who is ignoring all of the havoc, comes to me and says "I need a cheese to cook with that is cheap." I ask for clarification without trying to sound too aggravated at the destruction her brood is wreaking on my world. She huffs and says "I don't know, something to feed these brats to shut them up." I hand her a big block of muenster, give her a quickie recipe for mac n' cheese, and silently hope that she gets out of earshot before I yell "Well, you made them, chickie. Maybe you should have taken up knitting instead?" May 18th, 2013 - Please, dear readers, save your cheese labels for future reference. Coming to me and demanding a "white cheese cut into a square" that "sort of tasted like mozzarella but not really" that was "maybe goat milk, wait no, sheep. Well, maybe it was cow, I don't remember", that you bought at another store three years ago really doesn't give me much to go on. Furthermore, please don't get huffy and exclaim, "Well, you're the expert, don't you know?" (He left with a mild yellow cheddar. Sigh.) May 24th, 2013 -(Memorial Day - holidays bring the best out in people, don't you think?) Miss Lexie's Sample Etiquette, the holiday edition: People, please, for the love of all that is still good in the world, learn to be flexible. Cussing out the meat cutter because he "has wrecked your whole effing day" and various other indelicacies because he was out of a coupon item is not realistic or the least bit nice. Its not his fault that the store ran out. Its the three hundred people that got here before you did. Get here earlier next time and leave Steven alone..... or Miss Lexie might forget she's a lady. Trust me, its not a pretty sight. |