So, without further ado, may I introduce.....
Miss Lexie's Sample Etiquette:
If you choose to come in to the store in a tiny bikini top and a skirt that would be a mini on a three year old, please don't complain (loudly, I might add) to Miss Lexie that it's cold in her area, and someone should "turn the effing heat up!" Miss Lexie's world is surrounded by coolers of all shapes and sizes that are about 33 degrees, to keep all of the lovely cheeses that she has (243 as of inventory on Monday) from dying. I wear three layers for a reason. You got accepted to UT, I assume you have a brain, dear.
I will reiterate this once again, for anyone that has not heard the news. When almonds and soy beans grow tiny little udders, I will have vegan "cheeze" in my department. Until then, please see the section that has all things fake.
Which brings Miss Lexie to an oldie but a goodie - if you choose to be vegan for religious, moral or health reasons, bravo to you! That sort of self control is not part of Miss Lexie's makeup. However, please don't ask those of us that handle food to create prime rib from soy beans. You don't want to eat meat? Then why do you want vegetables to look and taste like meat? Silly humans....
Finally, and exchange that went on between Miss Lexie and a pair of young ladies that were a tad on the dim side:
Customer 1 - I'm looking for a cheese, but I don't know the name.
ML - Can you describe it?
C1 - it's round and orange?
ML - round as in wheel or ball?
C1 - "blank stare"
C2 - didn't he say it looked like a softball?
C1 - "blank stare".... uh, I guess so...? So I guess ...... it's a..... ball?
ML - Okay... I bet it mimolette. I'm sorry, but I can't carry it. In fact, you can't get it anywhere in the US. (Miss Lexie then went on to explain what happened with the FDA and why we can never have this divine cheese here again because they are yet another ignorant government agency that thinks they know what's good for us - I won't bore you with details)
C1 - "blank stare" So, can I special order it from you?
ML - No, you can't get it in the US, the FDA won't let it in.
C1 - "blank stare" (seeing a pattern?)
C2 - I bet you can order it on Amazon, I get everything on Amazon! Even that great lipgloss.... (three minute prattle about lipgloss ensued)
ML - You can't get it in the US, from Amazon or anywhere else.
C1 - ...... Oh.... I guess I'll just drive to Canadia (I'm not joking with that pronunciation, I swear) and get it there.
ML - (with a smile) You do that dear. Have a great trip!
Couldn't make this stuff up if I tried.